Have you ever had a dream that was crushed? Do you know what it is like to have the enemy remind you day and night of your mistakes? He laughs and taunts that it is impossible for you to ever finish your race the way God intended. He tells you and I that it is over, and that even God cannot, or will not, find you again. You begin to live in a state of the "what could have beens," beating yourself up so badly with condemnation, that the devil has nothing to do. It begins to wear on you physically and emotionally until you are at the breaking point. You know that you should be able to shake it off, and many remind you to do just that. You know that you have repented, prayed, wept, screamed, and even tried to let go of the call, the God-given dream. You have tried to be content in another place, believing it can no longer happen. Yet there remains this relentless hunger, a divine call of "deep calling unto deep." It is there in your dreams. It is there in the quiet moments. It remains when people are noisily going about life all around you. It is there when you wake up, and in the midnight hour. It remains because it is a call without repentance. God has given you moments in another realm that can never be forgotten.
He has graciously allowed His anointing to course through every fiber of your being, not because you are special, but because you are so ordinarily non-special, in order for His great glory to be seen. You have watched the blind see, the deaf hear again, and even the dead to be raised. You have been used to see a broken heart be put back together again, in front of your eyes. You have witnessed a spiritually dead person, hopelessly doomed for all of eternity, become born again, in one moment. You have watched in awe, as God's glory sweeps over an entire sea of people, and you know they will never be the same. All you can do is softly get out of His way and try not to do anything that would cause Him to withdraw His wonderful presence. You have known that kind of glory morning and night, for twenty-three years.
The enemy hates God, and hates anyone who knows God. He is constantly looking for ways to stop you, kill you, discredit you, make you ineffective, and to shipwreck your ministry. He attacks your mind but you overcome by the “blood of the lamb and your testimony.” He can't stop you. He attacks your body and the doctors may tell you that you are going to die, as they did me, in March of 2006. You won't stop believing. You are miraculously healed by The Great Physician. His plan is foiled again. He uses others to attack and betray you. Preachers may lie to you, but you won't quit. You may be temporarily discouraged, but you have come too far, been touched too much, to let it stop you. You overcome again. Religion hates you. You dig down deep and continue to shoot those religious cows. You may even be single in ministry, as I was, for many years. After crowds of people, you come back to a lonely hotel room and turn your face to Jesus. You go on. The enemy looks for other ways. His plan is being thwarted on all sides. You continue to balance being a parent, a ministry, and to be a careful steward of all that he's given you. Then, when you are not guarding as you should be, in a moment's time, he finds a crack, and goes in for the kill.
In retrospect we can all see where chinks and cracks in the armor formed. It is so interesting how we can be sharp and discerning in The Holy Spirit in most areas, and still blind in some. It only takes one!!
You repent for being stupid, blind, tricked, deceived. You truly do, but the damage is done. Many have changed their doctrine when that happens. They embrace a "greasy grace" that tramples the precious blood of Christ afresh, to justify their sin. Others give up and just go deeper in sin, and some never make it back. Then, there are the ones who can't believe they were so stupid and continually punish themselves, knowing the blood is powerful for everyone else, but not sure that it can restore them.
Then, once again, when you have no idea how our God can do what only He can do, another “suddenly” permeates the hopelessness, the anguish, the regrets, and the what-ifs. God sees your repentant heart, hears your cry, reaches down in His great mercy and grace, and lifts you to the top, as only He can do. That is true grace in action. It always follows true repentance and turning. It follows the hungry, the thirst, the desperation. It finds you, whether in the snow banks of Alaska, or in the rain forest of Washington State. It finds you when most, including yourself, think that it is all over. Too much has transpire. It finds you and lifts you heavenward into the realms of glory all over again. Anyone with a true heart for God can recognize it, cry, and rejoice. They shake their heads in amazement and say, “if God can do that for her, surely He can do that for me.” It gives them hope for He is “no respecter of persons.”
That is the kind of week I have had this last week of January. I went to Pastors Rodney and Adonica Howard-Browne’s competing, just to partake, bask, receive, and join my faith with them. Just when I would have never guessed, I was called upon to minister. I ended up doing that four times in the week. As people were lined up to invite me to their churches and nations, much like the beginning, all those years ago, I almost could not stand, speak, or write, overwhelmed at the suddenlies of God.
I have been feeling like someone dreaming, coming out of the desert. I have pinched myself a couple of times, just to make sure that I was not dreaming. Then, I remembered the fitting scripture that I have used years ago in my testimony. It is so real all over again. It is found in Psalm 126 “When the Lord brought back the captivity of Zion, we were like those who dream. 2 Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing. Then they said among the nations,“The Lord has done great things for them.” 3 The Lord has done great things for us, and we are glad. 4 Bring back our captivity, O Lord, As the streams in the South. 5 Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. 6 He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” My captivity has been turned. Look What The Lord Has Done! What He’s done for me, He can do for you.